I still do.

Once upon a time, I woke up feeling lonely. All I wanted was a lingering warmth spread across my back. Arms draped about my shoulders, a warm breath tickling the skin of my neck. Perhaps a little groan when you awake, and the movement of limbs that don’t have to be perfect.

Once upon a time, all I wanted was a little company to help me feel alive. A boy that would brighten my waking moments with a smile and a foul-smelling good morning. It didn’t matter what he was wearing- heck, it could be girly pink pyjama bottoms for all I cared. All I really wanted was a boy. You were that boy.

Once upon a time, I pined for you like no other girl would’ve. I woke up from beautiful dreams revolving around you, fresh from having held your hand and touching your lips with brief, soft kisses.

Then I clenched my hand, and remembered you weren’t mine.

Despite all the playful moments, despite the constant flirting , I knew you weren’t mine. Still, I locked myself in a fantasy that was you and me. Many times I cried for a relationship that has never been. My heart aches for the friendly gestures you made. A twist of facial muscles that soon blossomed into a smile at the thought of harmless playing that broke me.

I know we will never be, but how do I erase these thoughts of you, when my mind keeps screaming your name. Embracing your jacket, inhaling your scent. My mind’s gone crazy; I’ve lost all bearings. Living in a fantasy, our relationship exists only in my head.

Then reality hit, and I began to wonder why I was so sad all the time. I began to wonder why I lost sleep over a guy who didn’t care, why I wasted so much time thinking of what could be. My world shook to a start, and the fantasy was knocked out of me. Gears kicked into motion, and rationality took over once more. I was free from the chains I’d bound myself to.

It was all going to get better.

Once upon a now, I wake up feeling lonely.

But it’s no longer your arms I wish were wrapped around me.